How to support someone in grief without trying to fix them

In grief, something paradoxical often happens: the people around us have good intentions, and yet the words they say can hurt. Not because they intentionally mean harm. Rather because someone else’s suffering triggers an impulse in us: “I have to do something.” And then, instead of simply being there, we start trying to fix things. But grief isn’t a “problem.” You can’t “solve” it. What you can do, though, is create a space where someone can feel safe without having to mask what they’re going through — because they don’t have to prove anything, explain anything, or correct themselves. And very often, that is support.

When we hear about someone’s loss, something tightens inside us. Helplessness is hard. Advice gives the illusion that we are, to some extent, controlling the situation: “tell me what to do, and I’ll feel better.” The paradox is that this “better” is often mainly for the supporting person — not for the person who is grieving.

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “Have you tried…?”, “It’ll be fine,” or “You have to move on somehow” — it isn’t a reason to feel ashamed; it’s rather a signal that you're trying to make sense of someone else’s pain. What matters is noticing the moment it happens and returning to what truly helps: presence and listening. presence and listening.

Empathic listening is an attitude: I’m with you, I’m not running away, I’m not judging, I’m not rushing you.

Helpful phrases:

• “I’m listening.”
• “That sounds really heavy.”
• “What did that stir up in you? How are you feeling with all of this?”
• “I’m here.”
• “Do you want to say more?”
• “If I understand you correctly, you’re saying that… Is that right?”
• “What do you need from me?”

There is something important in these phrases: they don’t try to change the other person’s emotions. Instead, they say: Your feelings are real. I want to understand them.

Dismissal can be almost invisible; sometimes it even comes dressed as care. But underneath it carries a message: your experience is too much for me / too hard / I can’t tolerate helplessness.

Examples that often hurt (even if they sound “reasonable”):

• “Maybe you should try this…” (when someone needs to be heard, not directed)
• “The same thing happened to my friend…” (shifts attention to someone else’s story)
• “It could be worse.” (compares pain instead of acknowledging it)
• “Oh, don’t take it so hard.” / “Don’t cry.” (treats emotions like a mistake)
• “You should read / listen to / follow…” (gives “homework” in a fragile moment)
• “It’ll be fine.” (said when nothing is “fine”)
• “I know how you feel — I once…” (even with a similar experience, you don’t know exactly what the other person feels)

This doesn’t mean advice is always forbidden. Remember the rule: relationship first, solutions second — and only if the other person asks for them.

You don’t have to be a therapist to listen wisely. A few steps are enough:

Keep in mind that what seems like the best solution to you — or what you would do in that situation — is completely irrelevant here. Until your conversation partner asks you for advice, let those thoughts pass without holding on to them. If you feel you “should” say something but your mind goes blank, simply say: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m with you.”

Instead of dismissing it with: “I think you’re depressed,” try saying:

• “I hear that it’s hard for you to carry this on your own.”
• “It sounds like you’ve been at the edge of your strength for a long time, and all of this has been weighing you down.”
• “If I understand correctly, what hurts most is that after the loss, nothing is the way it used to be.”

You don’t have to understand them 100%. It’s enough not to question them:

• “You have every right to be exhausted.”
• It makes sense that you feel anger and helplessness.”
• “This can really hurt.”

This sentence gives the steering wheel back to the grieving person: “Tell me what you need most right now.”

• “Do you want me to simply be here and listen, or would you rather I ask a few questions that might help name what’s going on?”
• “Would you prefer that I just listen, or do you want us to look for some kind of solution?

The good news is: supportive listening isn’t about perfection. It’s about the willingness to tolerate helplessness and stay — to accompany. And if something comes out awkwardly, you can come back and repair the connection, not the emotions:

• “I think I may have sounded like I was giving advice. I’m sorry. I just want to hear you.”
• “I know I might say something awkward. If that happens, please tell me — I want to support you, not burden you.”

Note: Community and mindful conversation can do a lot, but there are situations where specialist support is needed — especially when thoughts of ending one’s life appear, panic attacks intensify, or someone relies on alcohol or other substances “to survive.” In those moments, what matters most is safety and contact with professional help.